Where am I this day, as time passes? It all depends on the thoughts I hear in my head. My routine is to get the hot drink, either coffee or lemon juice, sit down with the Ipad and log on to see if there is anything new happening. As the first couple of hours pass, I see many quotes posted online, most of them meant to be encouraging, spiritually edifying. I share some of them, wondering if I truly believe any of them, since, as time passes, I know the moment will come when the thought will pop into my head that defies all that I shared. I am not liberated. I seem incapable of keeping the positive affirmations for very long. I am not practicing the self-hypnosis I need: “Life loves me;” “I am my thought.” The one thing I see, a quote from Jiddu Krishnamurti, strikes me as the most relevant:
“The highest form of intelligence is the ability to observe yourself without judging yourself.”
I would like to see myself as intelligent. However, I do not seem to be able to stop with the self-judgment. Why is it so engrained, this destructive tendency to self-judge? I have no desire to blame anyone or anything for this. I simply do it, day in, day out. The more I do it, the more I wish I could just disappear, lose consciousness, and never return. And time keeps on passing.
I ask myself if I am just so egocentric that there is no way I will make the switch to the unknown state of liberation, not that I would know it, were I to experience it. I would have to be dead. Perhaps this is why the hallucinogens are used periodically by some. The use of them can offer a portal through which all that is egocentric might, and can, dissolve. In my own experience, after some intense struggle, such as being violently ill, feeling like I am burning in hell one minute, sweating profusely, and the next minute, freezing to death, dying, ego loss, a kind of death, one way or another, seems to be key. At the end of that struggle, one merges with ALL THAT IS, into a state of jaw-dropping bliss. It is not an experience I have sought in many years, yet I can remember that ego death as though it happened yesterday. Perhaps this explains my habitual gravitation towards thoughts of suicide. I seem to know that I must die.
I look at more posts about what is happening in the world. It is disconcerting, being aware of all the violence, injustice, and lack of care for all life on this planet. It is no wonder so many posts of dogs and cats being themselves are shared. We require more smiles in our lives. I know I do. Photos and videos of babies, human or otherwise (kittens, puppies, kid goats, fawns, monkeys, raccoons, calves, colts, chicks, possums, armadillos, bear cubs) seem to elicit the most smiles. When I see a photo of myself online, sadly, my feelings of discouragement return. I think, “Wow, you look pretty sad. What is this doing here? How is it I ever dare to go out in public? It is no wonder I am rarely invited to attend private parties. If I have beauty inside and out, it certainly is not showing up!” See? I cannot stop self-judging. But it is okay. As long as I have a place to hide, I can survive, since this is what I am obliged to do, living here in this day and age. I am not supposed to let my awareness of the futility of living this life take over. I have to learn to let it go, and try to recognize how I am one of the blessed. At least I can appreciate aspects of life, whether or not it is present in my visage. I could smile more.
Continuing with my routine, I check my emails. Most of the emails I receive speak of how to sell online. Program after program is offered me, at the minimal price of $97. I sign up to watch a “free” webinar that will give me insight to being successful. Inevitably, I forget to sign in to watch. The next day I click on the link to see what happened the day before, only to find that the information goes just so far and then the offer of a discounted price for more information pops up. One must pay to learn how to be successful. The information would not be valued, would it? were it given for free. Knowing full well that I do not have the dollars to pay for information I probably have inside me, were I to delve deeply enough, I delete the offers. Delete, delete, delete is my mode whilst perusing my inbox of emails. I must have no desire to be successful. The only emails I find pertinent are those few I receive from friends.
The truth is, I do wish to know success. It is not the normal sort. It has little to do with making loads of dollars. For me, success is to wake up in the morning and know I will make it through another day of seeing nobody, happy to hear birds singing, or to hear the thunderous lightening and rain storm happening in the early hours before dawn. It is to recognize and be grateful for the peace and quiet that allows me to hear the whirring sound of the hummingbird that finds the feeder outside my window. It is the unspoken agreement with my dog friend that when I let him outside to do his thing, when he wishes to come back in, he will bark, and he will allow me to comb the fleas out of his fur before I open my door for him. He does not question whether or not I will open the door for him. He knows and trusts me to be here for him. I must trust that a new day will come in with the dawn and go out with the dusk. Going through the motions of being here each new day, liberated or not, I am living, and dying, as time passes.