Last night I looked forward to listening to Bill Clinton speak at the Democratic National Convention. I was open to him possibly influencing my thoughts regarding this election. I tried to recharge the battery bank so that there would be enough energy with which to watch satellite television. The generator acted up, was surging, not charging properly. I had to shut it down. I got online and found the live stream of the scene.
By the time Clinton was being introduced, I was tired. I reclined on the bed and listened. I fell asleep in the middle of it, and woke up to find the computer had shut down. I will have to look for a replay of the entire speech and listen again. Today I heard from my neighbor that Clinton’s speech last night was one of his best yet.
Upon waking this morning, I was feeling that old depression. Last night, seeing all those people gathered at the Democratic National Convention I wondered at the amount of energy exerted in order for the event to happen. In a way, it struck me how perfectly choreographed everything was, from the signs people were holding up, to the words the speakers were saying. All of the speakers seemed genuine enough, but I felt that so much was not addressed, although, granted, the Democratic National Convention is neither the time nor place to focus on these topics. I am sure the goal of the coordinators was met, that of reminding voters of the very real differences between the candidates. I fell asleep already knowing that I like Barack Obama, knowing, as well, that I do not care for Mitt Romney. The question in my heart is whether or not the American people will look at the differences in these two candidates for President, or if they will stay ambivalent and not do their part to implement real change.
We all judge. We all have fear of the unknown. Truly, I can only speak for myself. When I think about my own approach to life, I am conflicted. On the one hand, I feel as though I could accomplish anything; on the other hand, I feel disillusioned with the way I have lived most of my life, feeling inadequate, as well as unwilling to play the game. Whenever I compare myself to another, I assume the other is somehow better at this game of life. After all, here I sit, isolated from people, not engaged in the “normal” goings on. I have few exchanges with others. I am aware of what people are thinking and saying mostly through reading comments and articles on the internet. When I encounter what strikes me as negativity, I turn away. It is enough to have to deal with my own negative thought. Sometimes I just wish I could turn away from everything, including myself, but that is not possible, clearly. I am present for the duration, and probably for eternity.
So I try to tune in, to see if what is happening out in the world resonates. When I hear examples of how others are dealing with their lives, as those presented last night at the convention, I can relate, truly feel for others. My hope, my dream is for something better to come about in this world. What is frustrating to me is that it all seems so out-of-control, just as I feel my own life is not necessarily turning out the way I dreamed. Perhaps these feelings stem from a basic lack of confidence, or even vision.
It is up to me to care for myself. When I feel that I am not even doing this very well, I know my self-judgment is based on comparing my life to that of others. Needing reinforcement, I spent many years being of service to others, giving them the best I had to offer, in very simple ways, by cooking and cleaning for them, helping them with their personal needs in their homes. It validated my being here, despite the fact that I would come home and realize I was not giving myself the same care and consideration. Years ago, a boyfriend at the time said, “You are outer-directed.” I now see that it was true then, and may be somewhat true now.
I, as do millions of others, tend to look outside myself for salvation. The populace looks to a President to accomplish many things, but this man can only do so much. It takes the populace putting people in the Congress who will truly speak for them, work for them, and implement the changes needed to better the lives of everyone. When there are so many people like me, who feel helpless at times, it is easy to lose courage, hope, and keep the faith that we are a nation of “one for all, and all for one.” This is a lofty ideal, and this world demonstrates daily that not everyone carries this thought in their heads as a mantra, as their reason for being here. For many, it is a concerted effort to simply have enough to eat, a place to sleep, and clothes to wear. In my case, I know I am blessed. The “all for one and one for all” is my ideal, but at times I find it hard to stay happy with my own past choices.
Tonight President Obama will speak. I will be ready to listen to him, and I am sure he will influence my thoughts, once more, that he is the one who should win this coming election. In 2008 when he won, I was so happy! The years passed, and I began to doubt. Any way I look at it, it seems to me that each voter must really delve within to find out what is most important, to take responsibility for their choices, and to drop all negative thought.
As for myself, I must lose my feelings of isolation and fear; embrace the innate creativity and freedom I know is my birthright. I must be an example of my own truth. I need to stop looking outside myself for someone to rescue me. I must remember that not one of us is separate from the Whole, including myself. Staying present, I must be aware of my own thoughts, and change them when I see them going in the wrong direction of self-doubt, helplessness, and worry. Fear is not the space in which I choose to live. Despite being so much alone here, I know I am a part of this human family. I am glad to be witnessing this which is manifesting, as well as to be making my own contribution, through embracing responsibility, sharing, and changing my thoughts when I can, for the better.