Changing My Thoughts

Last night I looked forward to listening to Bill Clinton speak at the Democratic National Convention.  I was open to him possibly influencing my thoughts regarding this election.  I tried to recharge the battery bank so that there would be enough energy with which to watch satellite television.  The generator acted up, was surging, not charging properly.  I had to shut it down.  I got online and found the live stream of the scene.

By the time Clinton was being introduced, I was tired.  I reclined on the bed and listened.  I fell asleep in the middle of it, and woke up to find the computer had shut down.  I will have to look for a replay of the entire speech and listen again.  Today I heard from my neighbor that Clinton’s speech last night was one of his best yet.

Upon waking this morning, I was feeling that old depression.  Last night, seeing all those people gathered at the Democratic National Convention I wondered at the amount of energy exerted in order for the event to happen.  In a way, it struck me how perfectly choreographed everything was, from the signs people were holding up, to the words the speakers were saying.  All of the speakers seemed genuine enough, but I felt that so much was not addressed, although, granted, the Democratic National Convention is neither the time nor place to focus on these topics.  I am sure the goal of the coordinators was met, that of reminding voters of the very real differences between the candidates.  I fell asleep already knowing that I like Barack Obama, knowing, as well, that I do not care for Mitt Romney.  The question in my heart is whether or not the American people will look at the differences in these two candidates for President, or if they will stay ambivalent and not do their part to implement real change.

We all judge.  We all have fear of the unknown.  Truly, I can only speak for myself.  When I think about my own approach to life, I am conflicted.  On the one hand, I feel as though I could accomplish anything; on the other hand, I feel disillusioned with the way I have lived most of my life, feeling inadequate, as well as unwilling to play the game.  Whenever I compare myself to another, I assume the other is somehow better at this game of life.  After all, here I sit, isolated from people, not engaged in the “normal” goings on.  I have few exchanges with others.  I am aware of what people are thinking and saying mostly through reading comments and articles on the internet.  When I encounter what strikes me as negativity, I turn away.  It is enough to have to deal with my own negative thought.  Sometimes I just wish I could turn away from everything, including myself, but that is not possible, clearly.  I am present for the duration, and probably for eternity.

So I try to tune in, to see if what is happening out in the world resonates. When I hear examples of how others are dealing with their lives, as those presented last night at the convention, I can relate, truly feel for others.  My hope, my dream is for something better to come about in this world.  What is frustrating to me is that it all seems so out-of-control, just as I feel my own life is not necessarily turning out the way I dreamed.  Perhaps these feelings stem from a basic lack of confidence, or even vision.

It is up to me to care for myself.  When I feel that I am not even doing this very well, I know my self-judgment is based on comparing my life to that of others.  Needing reinforcement, I spent many years being of service to others, giving them the best I had to offer, in very simple ways, by cooking and cleaning for them, helping them with their personal needs in their homes.  It validated my being here, despite the fact that I would come home and realize I was not giving myself the same care and consideration. Years ago, a boyfriend at the time said, “You are outer-directed.”  I now see that it was true then, and may be somewhat true now.

I, as do millions of others, tend to look outside myself for salvation.  The populace looks to a President to accomplish many things, but this man can only do so much.  It takes the populace putting people in the Congress who will truly speak for them, work for them, and implement the changes needed to better the lives of everyone.  When there are so many people like me, who feel helpless at times, it is easy to lose courage, hope, and keep the faith that we are a nation of “one for all, and all for one.”  This is a lofty ideal, and this world demonstrates daily that not everyone carries this thought in their heads as a mantra, as their reason for being here.  For many, it is a concerted effort to simply have enough to eat, a place to sleep, and clothes to wear.  In my case, I know I am blessed.  The “all for one and one for all” is my ideal, but at times I find it hard to stay happy with my own past choices.

Tonight President Obama will speak.  I will be ready to listen to him, and I am sure he will influence my thoughts, once more, that he is the one who should win this coming election.  In 2008 when he won, I was so happy!  The years passed, and I began to doubt.  Any way I look at it, it seems to me that each voter must really delve within to find out what is most important, to take responsibility for their choices, and to drop all negative thought.

As for myself, I must lose my feelings of isolation and fear; embrace the innate creativity and freedom I know is my birthright.  I must be an example of my own truth.  I need to stop looking outside myself for someone to rescue me.  I must remember that not one of us is separate from the Whole, including myself.  Staying present, I must be aware of my own thoughts, and change them when I see them going in the wrong direction of self-doubt, helplessness, and worry.  Fear is not the space in which I choose to live.  Despite being so much alone here, I know I am a part of this human family.  I am glad to be witnessing this which is manifesting, as well as to be making my own contribution, through embracing responsibility, sharing, and changing my thoughts when I can, for the better.

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20 Responses to Changing My Thoughts

  1. lyn peel says:

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and ideas … I found them fascinating and very meaningful. They show the journey you have taken and the position you are in .. money is not of much use in itself .. I also learned that. I was never satisfied with what I had and thought there was something wrong with me. Then I understood that it was the way I was living which was not satisfying, my ideals were silly and materialistic and empty. The partners I found were not dissimilar.

    Now I understand my place in life as part of the human family. It was hard work to reach this position involving great trauma and the necessity of leaving my family behind. I’m happy each day with whatever the day brings … I live on my own but I have caring friends. I help others less fortunate than myself if they are looking for help .. actually I help others when things go back and they need reassurance or practical support for day to day living. In the main I live with my dogs and we have fun.

    We just never know what each day will bring … I listened to Clinton and to Biden and to Obama … I loved the passion and the caring although I know it is not always easy for them to bring about change. I’m not even an American. I send you greetings from the other side of the world and hope you have a good day today too.

    • admin says:

      Lyn, thank you for your response. I think you “get me” and it is such a good feeling to know that there are people out here with whom I have much in common (apart from being part of the human family).

      Where on the other side of the world are you? I am so glad for you that you love your life.

      Our dog companions are great, eh?!? I love mine.
      Again, thanks for talking to me.

  2. David Price says:

    Staying present, I must be aware of my own thoughts, and change them when I see them going in the wrong direction of self-doubt, helplessness, and worry. Fear is not the space in which I choose to live.

    I’d like to ask a question about this idea. Is it possible to not decide the outcome of the trend of these thoughts in advance, but simply watch the thoughts as they flow to their natural fruition? I ask this because the “decider” (the self identified as “I”) may not have the power to change thoughts and feelings. This “I” may in fact (in this instance) be a received or unexamined idea that has been perpetuating the conflict of “what-I-do-versus-what-I-should-do” My question is: Is there an emotion connected with the thought “I must change”, and if so, how does it relate to how you identify yourself.
    Specifically, what part of this process sees fear enter the picture–before the thoughts of “going in the wrong direction”, or only when there is resistance and judgement.

    • admin says:

      I know that usually the natural fruition of these sorts of thoughts as I hear/watch them tend to lead to a headache, then tears overflowing, with a tendency to feel there are no answers and that I just need to let it all go. That is what I mean by fear-based thoughts going in the wrong direction, because I do not like feeling helpless. I am aware that usually any “thoughts” I have are based on some sort of memory that is triggered by something else, am not always aware of what spirals me into this kind of thought. But when I realize I am dwelling on the past, particularly about anything unpleasant from the past, which is dead history now and nothing to be done about it, then, in order to avoid the above (tears of frustration and pain and gnashing of teeth) I have to redirect my thoughts, remind myself that I need not be hung up on the past and trust that what I experienced was something I may understand later on. Each time I have such thought-patterns come up (these seem to reoccur, the same ones but less and less), lately I hear myself musing on how conditioned I am by society and my upbringing and it seems to me the more I let go judging myself or my own thoughts, the easier it is to be happy. Mind you, the “thoughts” to which I refer are in truth just memories, and although these are present, they produce within me such emotional conflict that I figure it is either my conditioning refusing to allow me to move on, all judgment being based on my conditioning, which is all fear-based, or, I realize that I am trying to put a judgment on something that is way over my head, that I cannot even begin to know all the circumstances and “realities” that may have influenced and molded whatever it is I am trying to judge.
      All my conditioning has been fear-based. My emotions are just the “wringer-washer” that allows me to release the tendency to dwell on unpleasant memories and clear my heart so that maybe I can look at it all without having to judge. This is how I am discovering how to forgive the past, myself, and others. Does this answer your question?

      • David Price says:

        Meditation often takes the cap off of unresolved emotions. That’s a difficult process to go through, especially in the beginning when there’s a rush of the past flooding the mind. The controller/decider/ego will want to keep from being inundated, but its only recourse is renewed repression. I wonder if there’s a way to stay neutral and non-judging as these old unassimilated pieces of energy are reprocessed? Possibly only if there is a kind of open-spirited intent to see and let them teach what they have to teach.

        • admin says:

          I am usually in my garden working when these thoughts/feelings/memories start coming up. Gardening is my meditation, and of late, I have been able to stay neutral. The other day when this happened, I realized I was not getting upset and that was when I realized I might never really have any answer as to why or how such things ever happened in the first place..maybe something to do with past lives? Maybe the fact that dysfunction just keeps getting passed down through families until somewhere along the line it gets nipped. I no longer feel threatened (my peace of mind) by what shows up in my head. I watch, listen, notice if I react in any way, and it seems to pass. However, old habits die hard, so I know I always have the ability to make myself miserable~! Someday I will be able to laugh out loud at all of it!

          • David Price says:

            No one knows why the heart beats. Is this energy coming through us from another dimension?–a dimension that has the intent of being held in a constraint we call time and three dimensions, so that we may be concentrated in a certain learning pattern? Those life lessons that come revisiting your mind and emotions–is it possible to see them as part of an intent to learn something, something of great import? Beauty and miracles surround us, and always have, even in our distracted travail. Can we loosen the mental strictures long enough to glimpse see our true situation, our true nature?

    • Kaydence says:

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