The word, “insecurity,” usually does not imply having wisdom. Most insecure persons are perhaps fearful, with low self-esteem, in need of a boost of self-confidence. I know I have been this person. But now, it is different. Something has changed.
We tend to think we know ourselves well. There are many great “actors” on the planet, those who hypnotize us with their performances, their words, their successes. We who are aware of our own inadequacies tend to hold these actors up as examples to follow, to mimic, if you will, until we can train ourselves to seem more like them. However, every person walking through this life has his or her own unique gifts. To have an image of what denotes success can be an obstacle to discovering our own individual talents.
Our parents, families, circles of friends, and cultures influence us early on in our development. Each person experiences these influences in ways only they can know or describe. From an early age we learn there are rules of conduct that we must follow and assimilate into our day-to-day reality, just to get by. In a way, these rules of conduct make it easier on everybody. They help maintain a comfort zone called “the known.” However, as we can see just by looking at the latest news on television, or by reading about things happening around the world, those with the “power” to enforce the “rules” are taking more and more license with their “authority,” imposing their fears, mostly imagined, on society as a whole. The worst result of this fear is violence: verbal, psychological, and physical. Our society is now rampant with issues due to the vicious circle of fear. It is difficult these days to know who to trust or where to turn.
We look for ways to insulate ourselves from these difficult times, and this is not an easy thing to do. Our “reality” is the physical, material world, with billions of people competing for a place to call home. Life is rough; the future is truly an unknown. Money, it seems, is the only cushion required to be “safe” from all the fear-based chaos and madness. With money we pursue our fantasies of being free from care.
Despite the obvious advantages of having money, being so comfortable and well insulated might bring about the possible effect of eventually having to ask the question: “Is this all there is?” It is at this point one might benefit by feeling a bit of insecurity. One has “arrived,” and then?
Any questioning, that might occur due to needs sufficiently met and more might trigger a previously unimagined adventure. However, as I have discovered, venturing into the unknown is not limited to those with plenty of money. It is a built-in quest in the lives of all. Whether or not this is recognized by every soul on the planet has yet to be seen, for the times are demanding and quiet reflection is sometimes not possible. Nonetheless, somehow, sometime, each will eventually take this “trip.” For me, it is the trip into the intangible places, the nuances in my head.
Having lived financially insecure most of my life, I am not surprised to be “retired” with minimal income. I never “planned” my retirement, never saved, primarily because I never learned how to “play the game.” I always worked simple jobs, which paid very little. I could have been smarter, or maybe I was just lazy. Bottom line was that I always despised feeling I must compete, for anything! Blessed to be here, neither rich nor poor, my basic needs met, I live well. I am on my inevitable “trip.”
As each day passes, time and money seem less important. Something is happening as I feel my way through each day, the apparent insecurities always in the background. I dare not label “It.” Tonight a few windows in this cabin are open to the cool night air. The rain has come and gone; the wet drops off the tree leaves onto the metal roof. It is time now for a quiet, deep sleep, then early morning dreams. Awake at dawn, I will be open to whatever may come, insecurities and a bit of wisdom guiding my way.