It was supposed to rain yesterday. I worked in the heat of the day, planting sweet potato slips, thinking it would be just in time for the rain. It never rained and I think I experienced a little brain damage, I got so bloody hot. Today it is also supposed to rain, and just to be sure, I did laundry and hung it out on the lines to dry in the humidity. Whether or not my action will encourage rain to fall is all in my mind and is of no consequence, just like my life, my little egocentric, isolated life. Inconsequential. I am tempted to deactivate it.
My thoughts can have consequences, of course. I went on Face Book, waiting for the last load of laundry to finish. There, I saw photos of people I know, everyone enjoying each others’ company, two days ago, celebrating a lovely couple’s 50th wedding anniversary. Immediately I felt tears well up, realizing how much I am not included in anyone’s life, how inconsequential my living here is turning out to be. I immediately wanted to deactivate my account on Face Book, just so I would not have to be aware of how I do not exist for anyone. But then, how would I have a way to let anyone know how I feel, (as though it matters..), and damn! I am screwed, no matter which way I look at it. It crossed my mind to deactivate myself, instead, like I said.
More tears, imagining the pleasure it would give my sisters to hear I am dead and then they could, like vultures, come and invade my privacy, because a dead body cannot fight back. But then, I realized that my sisters are just as egocentric as I and they would sooner die before admitting to being the least bit interested in who I REALLY, TRULY ever was. That thought made me even more unhappy, if that is possible. I already know what their take on my suicide would be: “What a cop-out!” “Poor thing, she always was a bit troubled.” Oh my god! Too bad she did not find a better way to kill herself! She looks horrible!” “Why do you think she did this?!?”
Forget it, I will talk myself out of this one, at this time. I will reconcile myself to being inconsequential, unimportant, not popular, isolated, demoralized, defunct as a human being worth having around, unattractive, sexually dead, did I say isolated? Right, it is bad enough I have such thoughts, especially when the only ONE who loves me can hear them. But we all know that if it is a sin to have bad thoughts, we are, in turn, forgiven. After all, we are just human, fucked-up beings, who on this particular week-end every year, celebrate people who died . We do not celebrate their lives when they are with us. No, we send them off to a war to end up dead, and THEN we celebrate their lives. A lot of good THAT does!~
Right, so if I wish to be celebrated, I must keep my account active on Face Book, let everyone I know beforehand that I am going to be dead, and then designate who may have what of my shit, and then I can die and never know if ANYONE celebrated my poor little life anyway! Whatever. Too much trouble. My life will end sooner or later and it will not make any difference. I will know some things about myself by then, and just to stay consistent with how my life has always been, I will keep it to myself, since nobody gives a damn anyway! An egocentric life is deeply personal, active or inactive. Memorial Day is a depressing farce, which is why I will choose another time to deactivate, thank you very much. Happy Unhappy Memorial Day!