This morning I thought I had a client to go assist.  I was dressed, ready to go, but then the phone rang.  My client called to say she would no longer need my help; she is doing so much better.  This is good news.  My wish for her is that she be all well.  As for my having a little bit of income, I am seeing that this area of work, of being an aide, is quickly ending.  The flu shot mandate is in effect and the office is running out of folks who will accept me into their home.  Right after I spoke to the office about that particular client, they asked me to fill in for another aide.  I agreed to go.  A few minutes later, the office called to say that this client did not want me to come.  I have no work today, after all.

I am just too weird for people here.  So it goes.  I have lived my life on the fringe and it seems this is not going to change because I am unable to be who others want me to be.  I do not fit into the box.

I am glad for all those people in the world who have their security.  On the other hand, I feel bad for the world in general because it seems as though too many are unwilling to open their hearts to those they do not understand.  Those with closed hearts shut out anyone who may see things differently. To be the one shut out, as I am, repeatedly, is challenging.  My first habitual response to this sort of thing is confusion and then sadness.  Why do others not accept me, understand me?  Why am I such a threat to another that they do not wish to have me come around?

Bottom line, when in another person’s home, as an aide, communication is not a given.  They just want you to do the “job,” which is to do for them whatever they want you to do.  Therefore, I no longer qualify for this sort of work, since I no longer find being another’s mindless house cleaner fulfilling.  At this point in my life, I wish for more.  I am no longer good “slave” material.

As ever, I walk along the edge of the abyss of the unknown.  I do not know where I fit in, except in my own home, my own heart.  How many others feel this way?  Are we obliged to fit into the molds prescribed by others?

It is okay.  I will get past this rejection.  I know I am not a threat.  I have goodwill in my heart.  Anyone who takes me the wrong way must ultimately face his or her own faults and fears.  Apparently, I am just a catalyst.

One question that I must answer for myself is what must I change about my own way of being here?  Must I be only what others expect me to be?  Am I to learn self-discipline to the extent I do not voice anything at all when I am in the presence of others?  Perhaps this is something I should learn to do.  Otherwise, I am beyond being one of the employable, particularly in the area where I reside, or this may hold true for any other place I might live.  The idea of having to muzzle myself in order to hold down a menial job is demoralizing and depressing.  I feel the challenge to find a way to live the rest of my life free of the fear of condemnation on the part of others, wavering between a willingness to be of service to others and a strong desire to be true to myself.  Perhaps I must release having any mind, and thus, thoughts.  I might as well prepare to die.

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15 Responses to Wavering

  1. Laura says:

    Oh my dear, I am so sorry. You are in a place where being yourself is strange and threatening to others. (Sometimes I am too.) The quote I want to use is on the edge of my mind, refusing to tip into my awareness. Oh here it is.

    “Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds. ” Einstein

    Living as who you are is part of the greatness of your spirit. Perhaps that example frees others to live more fully in ways they wish to be. Mediocre minds, to me, are only those minds shuttered by small enclosures. When they see someone like you, who kicks down those fences for herself, they’re not sure what to make of it. You are making a difference, even if you don’t see it.

    • admin says:

      Laura, your response is so helpful. Thank you so much! And I wish there were a link I could use when I read your posts on your site with which to share your words to my Face Book page. Your writing uplifts me on this beautiful day!

  2. David Price says:

    Your sensitive and humane reflections, which are so well written, do indeed provide a service to those who haven’t the courage to imagine such a life of freedom for themselves. Reporting from the stance of a tender person who isn’t rebelling but who can’t be otherwise than what and who you are is a salutary gift for the rest of us. I’m sure it’s not a comfortable calling, but the rest of us need your voice telling us how life is lived “outside the box”. It helps us in ways you perhaps are only beginning to know.
    Thank you.

  3. loretta lynn says:

    Something better will come along for you, I just know it. You keep your head up so you can see it when it does! 🙂

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    • admin says:

      Well, I just re-read what I wrote..glad it resonated with you. The struggle and challenge is ever-present, the opportunity to learn, change, and grow. I sometimes feel I am, simply put, a slow learner!

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